~This Year’s Love~


by David Gray

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj-KGtXrOeo&feature=related

he had to write a song like this, didn’t he?  just to reach in and squeeze my heart so hard it burst and splattered and spurt into a million pieces and is now…… ruined.   :-‘(

i miss you.


~an excerpt~


(from Alice Hoffman’s book, The Third Angel)

The Heron’s Wife

        Out of Nowhere

She was standing in the marsh and everything was blue. Water, clouds, reeds. He was a heron in the sky, then he fell to earth and was human. They believed love could be simpler than it seemed.

        Out of the Darkest Night

When he was in her house everything outside was hazy. Snow, fences, trees. His broken wing had become a broken arm. His life in the sky had become tea, biscuits, a bed with blue sheets. There was a past, but it was far away. They believed love could be too strong to fight.

        Out of the Blue

She was high above them so she could see everything clearly. House, laundry on the line, pillowcases, sheets, shirts that were his size. When a heron cries the salt falls to the earth below. The world of theair meant nothing to her. She couldn’t taste anything but her own blood. She tried to be human, pulling out her feathers, but there were too many and she was unchanged. She believed love was everlasting.

        Out of Mind

He saw the feathers on the ground. Blood, bone, blue. He remembered things that the fall to earth had shaken out of his mind. He thought of nests, heartbeats, wind, her body beside his. He believed he had made a promise, but to whom had it been spoken?

        Out of Honor

He couldn’t ignore the before just to get to the after. He had seen a trail of blood, feathers plucked from her own chest. He cast off his cloak and became who he’d been before. The earth became distant, but he could hear it calling him back. He believed he could leave and never look back, even though he saw it spinning, so beautiful and blue, whenever he closed his eyes.
 
 Out of Hope
 
She waited every day. She waded far out in the water. Crabs, shadows, songbirds. She took the feathers she found on the ground and sewed them to her dress. She pinned them to her shoes, her hair, her coat. She climbed into the highest tree, where the branches shook in the wind. She looked like blue leaves about to rise. She looked like heartbreak, faith, desire. Why wouldn’t he love her, come back to her? Why couldn’t she fly away? She believed she could find him, but more than that, she believed in fate.

       Out of Ashes

They both saw him, his wife on the earth and his wife beside him, and then they didn’t. He was between them and then he wasn’t. Hunters shot him as though he were a crow, as though no one had ever loved him, yearned for him, mourned him. The sky looked smaller than it ever had. A cloud stretched across the earth. They had believed love would keep him safe.

        Out of Somewhere

They were standing in the marsh and everything was blue. Water, clouds, reeds. They did this every day. His wife on earth and his heron wife. They never spoke. They didn’t have to. They believed love was more complicated than it seemed.


~true love~


The Truelove
            by David Whyte
There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of the baying seals,
who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,
and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them,
and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly,
so Biblically,
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love,
so that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all the struggle
and all the years,
you don’t want to any more,
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness,
however fluid and however
dangerous, to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

~yesterday~


yesterday was a very good day.


~real~


i just found this draft.  the original is written below.  i never posted it, apparently. not sure why.  it’s now been two years and life goes on w/o him.  it should be clear to me that he didn’t want me.  he’s not here…  so, he must not. yet, even after another year and things i’ve written, i cannot help this feeling.  i cannot let go of this real love i have for this person.  i thought at one time that maybe i made him up.   that he isn’t real.  that i fabricated this wonderful person in my mind.  i should have known him.  we were in the same circles. yet, i did not.  i guess i want any excuse to ease this pain.  and i would say that i had made him up in my mind.. but, he is real.  he IS flesh and blood, he will always be present in my mind and i will always be in love with him.  i will be quiet after August, but i will always be in love with him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk8Lku4Ht-g

2010: it’s been over a year now.  June 24th marked a year.  sometimes i feel so far away.  sometimes i feel so close.  in one thought i’m sure of his want of me, in the next.. i question everything.  we talked together often and within our talks we would say things w/o words.  we just knew how the other was feeling; was saying, without having to speak.  the day i lost my friend to his everyday life, i told myself there may come a time when i would second-guess his feelings for me and that i should remember what we had.  i told myself it doesn’t go away.  but, i can’t help but think that if he loved me, he’d be here.  so, maybe i Was wrong.  maybe his life is wonderful and being with me wasn’t what he wanted.  he never lied to me.  he always said he would not leave his wife; that he had to make this marriage work.  i do not believe, though, that he is happy and i do not believe that he wants to be there.  i believe she chose him and that he and i really do belong together.   everything happens for a reason.  i want it to be.


~bedshaped~


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPN_1r5NQyE


~only me~


movies are just that: movies.

and music is made to move us.

and, the drama in these is so alluring.

but, reality is just that: reality.

and, i do know the difference.  i’ve always known the difference.

there are no quotes here.

there are no song lyrics.

there is only me.

i am no good with words.  i never have been.  most of the time, i use other’s wisdom to show the beautiful possibility of happiness with another.  i posted all these wonderful words and songs all this time to help you find the courage you so desperately seek.

i know life isn’t a movie and i can see how you would find love a struggle.  if struggle is all you’ve known of love, all your life, it’s difficult to imagine it any other way.  to be with the one who speaks to your heart is worth every moment of any struggle you expect to encounter, if it has to be.

but, if you let in truth and believe you are worthy of being loved and believe you do have the capacity to love just as deeply in return, there is no struggle.  the only struggle is now and that is trusting your heart.  that’s all i’ve been trying to say.  i am grateful to those more eloquent than i could ever be for helping to show you what i believe so fervently.

i’m not asking you for anything.  i just wanted you to know that i opened my heart to you.  wide.  so wide.  so exposed and it’s so delicate.  i had been protecting it for years and years and years, all of my life, really.. so as not to be hurt.  i could leave anyone.  anytime.  in any way.  without ever looking back.  it’s been so long since i felt that way.  it was so much easier then.  it was so much easier being that woman.  my heart breaking is not how i planned or wanted to spend the last 2-1/2 years.  i want to go back to being frigid.  i want to go back to not feeling anything.  you’ve survived that way.  i want to survive, too.

i said to you i’m not the same girl i was in school.  but, i am.  i’m no different now than i was back then in my belief in a great love.  the only difference between then and now is this: i know you and i can’t go back to not knowing you.  no matter how much easier it would be for me.

i’m going to go now.  i’m going to leave you to your life.  to where you feel you should be.  i’m going to go and live.. and, hopefully… love.



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